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| President and Patron Saint of Conflict Avoidance |
“For lack of wood the
fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.” Proverbs 26:20
“Do not think that I
came to bring peace on earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” Mt.
10:34
President Millard Fillmore (1850-53) was a master of
conflict avoidance. Even though he was a
northerner and many of the politicians of the day were seeing that slavery was
tearing the country apart, Fillmore did everything he could as president to
protect slavery. It wasn’t so much he
favored America’s
“peculiar institution” as he didn’t want the controversy that might come with
making any hard decisions. That
avoidance of controversy may have served him well in the moment but just a few
years later the entire nation was brought to the brink of catastrophe with the
Civil War. This incident reminds me of
some advice I read in a marriage book years ago: avoiding conflict is a lot
like lighting a trash can on fire and sticking in a closet. The fire might go out for lack of oxygen, or
it might burn the entire house down! The
great danger of avoiding conflict is that sometimes it works and then it
becomes our solution of first resort.
There are plenty of times where avoiding conflict is the right thing to
do. In fact, we should try to be at
peace with all men if at all possible. I
believe we should cut a large swath of grace for everyone around us that makes
room for their differences, idiosyncrasies, and “bad hair days”. That said, there are times when avoiding
conflict is the absolute wrong thing to do.
One of those times is when a loved one (or fellow Christian) is being
self-destructive or destructive to the unity of the Body. For all the failings of Michael Jackson, I
was quite impressed to read that his family loved him enough to confront him on
his drug use on several occasions. Surely
they were stung by his death, but they aren’t bearing the extra pain of guilt
for not doing the right thing. Another
time conflict shouldn’t be avoided is when a problem keeps recurring in a
family, couple, or organization. If
something keeps coming up, it obviously needs resolution and reconciliation,
not a blind eye. It’s sort of like
turning up your radio when your engine is making a funny sound. Avoidance in that moment may cost you greatly
later on. Lastly, I think a Christian
should enter conflict over false doctrine.
The NT tells us to earnestly contend for the faith at such times (Jude
3). It is not okay to believe ideas that
are in opposition to the Gospel.
Obviously this is true for everybody but especially so for Christians
and must be confronted. At all times
confrontation should be done only after a rigorous self-examination of your
thinking and motives (you may actually be seeing things wrong), in a spirit of
gentleness (as our anger never accomplishes God’s work), and with much prayer
and fasting (that God would do His work before the meeting). May God grant us all great wisdom and generosity,
but most of all charity in all these matters.
